journal: it's no hot water day!

April 11, 2003

it's no hot water day!

no shower this morning. eek. i *always* take a shower in the morning. let's hear it for habits.

* * *

want to know something i don't like about myself? after enough of time around *anyone* i feel pretty crappy about myself. example: when i started work at my latest job, i felt like i had a pretty good image. my hair made me stand out a bit, i was learning and happy. before long though, i made mistakes -- was really curt with someone important, things got too busy and i was "clippy" with people or just flat out said "no" when i shouldn't have. it's like my ego gets big -- i get a sort of "i (or my client) is entitled to this and you're not as important" attitude-apparent. and i realize it when it's happening. i realize that i'm being a bitch, and i can't stop it till i get to sit and finish whatever i am doing. then i feel like shit and often try to apologize. but that seems to just piss people off more. i really am sorry. i really do feel like i owe them that apology and that that should make things better. but so often it really doesn't.

and so i get a rep for being a bitch. and i think, after a year and a half of working at this company -- i have that rep. i get labeled in the computer as a vip because of the clients i have. and so people think i'm important. then they meet me, see me and my not-so-high-class style and realize that i'm just an assistant to the vips. and i start thinking i've blown it and should flee the situation.

that example got long. but it sketches it out. everyone starts at 100% OK with me. and I start out feeling like i'm 100% OK with myself. then time passes, i fuck up a bunch, and i feel like i'm down at 0. but everyone else is still at 100%. and i want to run away and start over.

work, friends, family. on a long enough timeline, my opinion of myself falls to zero.

so is that because i feel like that is the real me and when people get close enough to me they'll finally know it and think i'm just not worth it? no wonder i don't like myself very much sometimes.

* * *
on a different note -- it's prolly not great for my weight for me to eat creme fraiche and caviar most nights. but it makes me smile, and i only eat a little. and the caviar isn't all that expensive. heh. i buy the cheap-oh stuff for every day eating ya know. (insert some gesture of rich-flightiness here).

Posted by kbk at April 11, 2003 06:25 PM

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